Seattle, Washington Community. Open Aсcess Seattle. » Humor for Seattle

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.Humor.

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 09:28:41 +0000

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of
the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Vermont as far
from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got
groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, as he was finishing
dinner, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big,
bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four
miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to
come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I’m ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you,
there’s gonna be some drinkin’." "Not a problem… after 25 years in the
computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em." Again, as he starts
to leave, Enoch stops. "More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too." Damn,
Sam thinks… tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there.
Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild
sex at these parties, too." "Now that’s certainly not a problem" says Sam,
"Remember, I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there … by
the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

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Questions and Answers (Q/A). Humor.

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 08:05:08 +0000

Q. How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to change the lightbulb and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
——————————————-
Q. Did you hear An Post just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of Limerick players on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
————————————-
Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Limerick fan in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
——————————————
Q. If you see a Limerick fan on a bike why should you never swerve to hit him? A. It might be your bike.
——————————————
Q. What do Limerick fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of winning an All Ireland.
——————————————–
Q What do you have when 100 Limerick fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A. Not enough sand.
————————————-
Q. What do Limerick men use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
———————————-
Q. You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Limerick fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. Shoot the Limerick fan…twice.
———————————-
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at
Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.
——————————————
A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and
destroyed the
entire
town: $10 worth of damage was reported.
————————————–=
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through
the Carlow
campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
———————————–
Q. What’s the first thing a U.C.D girl does when
she wakes up in
the
morning?
A. Walks home.
————————————-
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is
heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
——————————————-
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after
graduation?
A. Boss.
(IT = Institute of Technology, not info tech)
————————————
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in
Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile
away.
—————————————
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned
down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some
of the books
weren’t
coloured-in yet.
—————————————
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their
diploma in the window
of
their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
—————————————–
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
———————————————-
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in
common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
————————————
Q. How many Athlone IT students does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A. None – Westmeath looks better in the dark.
————————————–
Q. How many Trinity students does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A. One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves
around him
—————————————-
Q. How many UL students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A. Three. One to change the lightbulb and two to
figure out how to
get
high
off the old one.
——————————————-
Q. Did you hear An Post just recalled their latest
stamps?
A. They had pictures of Limerick players on them
and
people couldn’t
figure
out which side to spit on.
—————————
Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in
the
road and a dead
Limerick
fan in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
——————————-
Q. If you see a Limerick fan on a bike why should
you never swerve to
hit
him?
A. It might be your bike.
——————————-
Q. What do Limerick fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of winning an All
Ireland.
———————————–
Q What do you have when 100 English fans are buried
up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
————————————-
Q. What do Cork men use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
———————————-
Q. You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a
rattlesnake, and a
Kerry man. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should
you do?
A. Shoot the Kerry man…twice.

Tags: After ★ Answers ★ first ★ Humor ★ people ★ Questions ★ rate ★ Round ★ trailer ★ Week

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One day a very sick old man calls his doctor, his lawyer, and his CPA to his deathbed… Humor .

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:42:15 +0000

One day a very sick old man calls his doctor, his lawyer, and his CPA to
his deathbed:
Old man: "I am giving you each an envelope containing $100,000 cash, my
life savings. When I die, I want to take it all with me. As the three people I
most trust, I want you to be the last three to file by my coffin at the
funeral, each placing the money in the coffin."
Lo and behold the old man dies. The doctor, lawyer, and CPA file by the
coffin, each placing an envelope, and the man is buried. Some weeks later,
the three meet at the golf course. The doctor calls the other two aside:
Doctor: "I have an admission to make. I needed $30,000 to pay for a new
Mercedes, so I took what I needed out of the envelope, and I feel terrible
about it!" CPA: "I also feel terrible. I needed $70,000 to pay for a new
yacht, so I also took what I needed from the envelope." Lawyer: "You two
should be ashamed of yourselves, I’ll have you know that I put a check for
the entire $100,000 in the coffin."

Tags: Humor ★ Life ★ money ★ oaseattle.com ★ people ★ Week

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"Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?". Humor.

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:41:14 +0000

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of
the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh
out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with
a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
>of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this
take?" she asks. "They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The
husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?"

Tags: Humor ★ period ★ self

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"I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!". Humor.

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:40:14 +0000

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy. "She’s incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2
hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said "That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!"
said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr.
Smith’s boil!"

Incoming search terms for the article:

i said prick the boil card to print (1)

Tags: first ★ get well card i said prick his boil! ★ Humor ★ patient ★ Week

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"Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:38:42 +0000

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay." His mother made no
eply nor gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure
he’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said
calmly, "You’re gay-doesn’t that mean you put penises in your mouth?"
the guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right." His mother went back to
stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head
with her spoon and said, "Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

Tags: Humor ★ right ★ Round

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Men!! Men!! Men!! Let’s pick on the guys for a change…..

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:29:42 +0000

Subject: Men!!

Let’s pick on the guys for a change…..

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They’re married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Tags: Humor ★ time

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Things to think about….. – some goodies in here!

Open Aсcess Seattle Administrator — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:21:04 +0000

Things to think about….. – some goodies in here!

* Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could
have a chance to drive!
* When we talk to God it’s called prayer. When God talks back it’s
called schizophrenia.
* What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you
can’t understand.
* It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
* During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One
said to the other…”The thing I hate about obedience school is you
learn
ALL this stuff you’ll never use in the real world.
* Which animals did Noah not take on the ark in pairs? Worms! They
went on in apples. What veggie did Noah not take on the Ark? Leeks
* What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the
kids!
* I was just wondering……if you choke a smurf, what color does it
turn?
* A newly married man asks his wife, “Would you have married me if my
father hadn’t left me a fortune?” “Darling,” the woman replies
sweetly,
“I’d have married you no matter who left you a fortune.”
* How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? NOBODY
KNOWS!

Tags: accident ★ animal ★ body ★ Humor ★ Kids ★ Seattle ★ Stress ★ things ★ time